It was the day of the golf tournament. I shot through the
door as fast as lightning and mum asked why I was in such a hurry. I looked
back but didn’t say a thing. I got to the golf factory went through one part
and that’s when it all happened...
I turned the door
handle with a creak and the door opened, a horrible sizzling noise caught my
ears. Next thing I heard was the ping pong of all the golf balls flying across
the room. One hit a shiny red button but the chaos still went on.
By the Apostrophe's writing group (Amelia, Alex, Gina, Trinity)
This is our first time doing to the 100 Word Challenge. Please leave us a comment on how we can improve our storywriting. Next week we will be writing our own 100 Word Challenge stories.
Well done Apostrophe's group! It's great to see you entering the 100WC. Mrs Head told me you were excited about this writing!
ReplyDeleteYour story is well written. I like how you described your movements through the door "as fast as lightning".
It must have been chaotic with all the golf balls flying around the room!
Next time you could think about using a range of punctuation in your writing.
I can't wait to read your own 100WC writing next week!
From Mrs Natusch
To the Apostrophes,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on entering the 100WC for the first time. It was great to see you talking about what these weird giant balls could be, (beehives, golf balls)etc before writing your 100 words.
Your story captured my interest as a reader and I wanted to find out what why the golf balls were flying around the room. As well as what was going to happen next and how they were going to stop the golf balls!
Next time have a look back at what words you do and don't need. Did you really need 'and the door opened?' We know that you had just opened it because you turned the door handle. If you had left these four words out you could have used them for adding more adjectives in somewhere else. I like how you have used adjectives like the shiny red button.
With the sentence 'I got to the golf factory went through one part,' what other words could you have used instead of 'got?' or 'went?'
I wonder how you could re-work that sentence?
Well done again Apostrophes and like Mrs Natusch I can't wait to see what you come up with on your own next week.
From Mrs Head
Hello again Apostrophe's group
ReplyDeleteI forgot to add that I have actually been to this place!
This is a Biodome in Cornwall called "The Eden Project". Inside is a rainforest with birds and creatures living just like they would be in real-life rainforests.
I have a book on The Eden Project, so I'll try to find it and show you.
Mrs Natusch
Well done the Apostophe's Group!
ReplyDeleteYou certainly hooked me in as your reader!I'd love to know what the shiny red button is for! I agree with Mrs Natusche, perhaps you could look at what punctuation you use and where.
Think about the length of your sentences. Sometimes they only need to be short, for better effect.
I hope there is a sequel to this piece!
Mrs Paton
Wow what a great story! i really like the discriptive language you have used. I also liked how you created a suspense ending too, it made me want to read more! With your sentence 'One hit a shiny red button but the chaos still went on', what effect do you think changing the word 'but' with 'then the'. Do you think this could add even more suspense?
ReplyDeleteGreat first attempt guys, room 14 will be having a go at this next week, come visit our blog and see how our first attempt goes!
From Mrs Gunn