Monday, May 27, 2013

100WC changes to our golf tournament story

Thanks to the teachers who have commented. We were able to improve our writing using your comments. Check out our new improved version.


It was the day of the golf tournament. I shot through the door as fast as lightning. Mum asked why I was in such a hurry. I looked back but didn’t say a thing. I reached the golf factory and dashed through the design room.

That’s when it all happened...

 I twisted the door handle to the production room. Creeeaak! My ears were hit by a horrible sizzling noise. Next thing I heard was the ping pong of all the golf balls flying across the room! One hit a shiny red button. But instead of stopping, the chaos still went on.
 

Can you please leave a comment about what you liked about our changes. Our changes are in red.

2 comments:

  1. To the Apostrophe's Group

    Well done on going back through your writing and editing it to make it even better!
    I like how you have added an exclamation mark. I also like how you say "you dashed" through the door. It tells me how you went through. I also can picture the design room so great job adding in which part of the golf factory you were in.

    Keep up the great writing!

    Mrs Natusch

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  2. Hi Apostrophe group

    Well, that was certainly a quick edit process - well done! I like the way you have made your changes a different colour so we can see what you've edited. Great variety of punctuation. You have even used ellipses. Great collaboration on your writing. I look forward to some pieces you write on your own as well.

    Mrs Paton

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